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you'll fall asleep..

..and i'll put a spell on you

and you'll realize that you love me..




October 10th, 2007

is that alright with you?

im questioning the decisions i made based off simple good morals i learned when i was 5; they are making me feel like shit. i think i wish i had been as impulsive as you are, just for that moment.. could the situation really be that much worse?

September 20th, 2007


im daydreaming about things i shouldnt, especially now that i have had a taste of the dream..

if karma exists, i am sooo screwed.

May 3rd, 2007

(no subject)

i think the next time someone asks "how's life" i'll give them the straight up answer and not stick to the socially acceptable one-word response.

life is boring. semi-ironic. and the surprises that do arise are not all that much fun. don't get me wrong, i do know everything could be so much worse. but i wouldnt mind it being better for a few moments.

a year is an awfully long time. awfully..

i am tired of this familiar feeling. as shitty as my summer could be, i seriously need to get away. any action is dangerous at this point, and i have now come close to doing something stupid on two separate occasions. what is it with me, what is this stupid thing i keep doing? my brain and eyes hurt, and i cant articulate my thoughts very well at all. basically, this sucks. end of story

March 23rd, 2007

apples and bananas.

i'm tired of arguing over semantics.

and just so you know, i will not be caving in this time.
i'm sort of sick of it.

February 18th, 2007


i am more resourceful than you think.
everyone lies, but don't you think there has been enough of it lately?

breathe me

i have been here many times before.
and the worst part is there's nobody to blame.

ochem prep and rum'n'coke is an interesting mix.

its been awhile. i feel lonely and disconnected.

i know you have moved on in life, but remember that time when we were in your barnes and noble, stalking your boy, and those were the words we used to describe the beginning of senior year? i miss our intellectual conversations. my 12 hour trip was such a tease.

i am tired of the unattached feeling that follows. perhaps it is just the lack of buzz speaking, but damn. this sort of sucks.

January 27th, 2007

(no subject)

that was definitely one of my best dreams ever.. it definitely validates some of the thoughts running though my head lately. wow.

January 2nd, 2007

vegas departure: take two

once again im sad that im leaving, but extremely glad i got to see everyone. for some reason the words i thought i needed to scribble down in this thing are no longer inteligible, so i will follow the lead of my fellow caravan members and sleep for the fours hours we have left before beginning our 20 hour journey..

December 29th, 2006

through the grapevine..

i feel like i need to write something, but i have nothing to say. vegas is vegas, and i feel like this is just a final goodbye. again. i have been "home" for 3 days, seen quite a few people, many of which i feel more disconnected from by the second. this is just a totallly seperate world, and one that i will have few strings attached to quite soon.

i have always wanted to be grown up.. i crave that kind of responsibility. i guess i just dont like this "transitional phase" as my newly adopted brother would coin it. i am ready for the next step already.

i have no right or reson to be upset about recent gossip, but in a weird way it sort of bugs me. and i dont think its the you being with someone else, but rather the type of person you are with. or so i hear.

November 30th, 2006

i think i too do some things only to get a reaction out of people.

while trying to get me to pray at the dinner table, my brother made fun of me saying i was gonna go to hell. i told my family i dont believe in an afterlife. they sort of flipped, even the brothers i have assumed are quite non-religious. i dont know, i guess i am not entirely sure of everything, but just because someone in my family has died, it doesn't mean i should have a reason to believe. my mother and brother both pulled the "how can you not believe it with denny and those certain moments we have at the dinner table eating his recipes and getting into those crazy discussions, or the bonfires at powell during a houseboat trip..?" i dont think those moments have to do with anything other than our memory and (as cheesy as it sounds) the bond we have as a family. i think that is the main problem i have with it all. or at least one of them. so many of us use religion as excuses for so many things. though i will admit for a lot of people they are not at all bad.

i listened to a song i havent heard for over a decade, one i used to play at a jukebox in a certain restaurant when i was young. it was at this restaurant i played the innocent cliche little girl dancing with a caring, normal father by standing on his feet. there is no specific one time, but i am pretty sure it is my happiest memory of him. before i even pushed play i could hear the melody, but as soon as the organ came in it all sort of slammed into me. i could literallly see the walls of the restaurant, a face of the waitress who knew my name and drink of choice. i could smell his old spice, i felt like i was leaning my head onto his somewhat protruding belly and watched as his ugly leather brown shoes with the weird little tassle things carried me around what seemed at the time to be a gigantic dance floor. i remember the waiters asking me if i wanted fresh grounded black pepper or parmesian cheese. no to the first and yes to the second. but only if the pasta was in a white sauce. i would make faces as my dad ate chicken livers and tried to convince me to eat one. i would beg for more quarters after my stash would run out from playing the same damn song over and over. "the happy organ." i have no idea how i started playing that song, but i am pretty sure i couldn't forget it if i tried.
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